I do not aim to praise myself but I know my smile is brighter than the sun in its most glorious days. I am always smiling and very happy. I owe it to others to be this way every time. I radiate the pleasure people want to see. It has become a part of me. I derive joy from seeing others feel better because of my outlook. I tell myself, my feelings do not matter. I should only be bothered about what others can see.
I am a Teenage boy who desperately wants to be a teenager in the real sense. These torrent of feelings makes me feel old. I cannot accurately predict the triggers of these feelings. I would have made effort to avoid them. All I know is that I am gloomy and sad when I am alone. Days when I am not productive or things are not going as planned also makes me feel this way. This does not happen every time though. My stature does not help either. Most people think that I am in my early twenties. This hurts me a lot. I hate the feeling that surfaces after I have eaten. Starving myself never ends well.
I confided in my friend who said my emotions are not balanced because of puberty. I doubt this because my age mates look sincerely happy but they could also be faking it like I am. I have the urge to hide days I cannot keep up with being the high spirited champ everyone knows.
I sense all shades of wrong with this feeling but I am scared of being judged if the words roll out of my mouth to an adult. What have I done with my life that would warrant me feeling this way? I heard the anchor of a program tag this feeling as the state of being depressed. But why does a teenage boy like me have to feel this way? Should it not come with age?
Worse of it all is the voice in my head that tells me I am not needed in this universe. This voice is starting to appeal to my mind. I am lost. There is no one to confide in. I know it is very wrong for a young boy like me to go through this. But if it is an age thing, why has depression picked on me? Is it because of my size?
I also know I am not the only teenager who is going through this. Do people know that there is a percentage of children and teenagers who battle depression? It has nothing to do with low self-esteem but a lot with voices we do not know the source. Do people know this?